Ive not written in a while. Not that anyone reads this,but that's not the reason.
my binging has been outa control and so it feels like I'm not in control of anything else.Since i joined the gym Ive put on 10lbs. I'd got lost in a pit of disappear with it,got tiered of fighting and surrendered to it for a while.For too long-god knows what would of happened if id not been going to the gym!Something snapped Sunday when i got on the scale and had hit 170. I laxied up that night vowing it stops right her, right now! I feel like in in chains and i have to break free
. Although i am astute enough to realize I'm just exchanging one set of chains to another. with bulimia it feels like there's a 10 ton weight attached to them and i cant function dragging it around wiv me.with anorexia I'm still in chains but they only keep my hands tied and i have the ability to maneuver some what
I slept badly and woke Monday full of cold and was genuinely to ill to go to the gym but the cold took away my appetite and i was under 1000 cals 250 of which were liquid.Today, Tuesday i forced my self to college,walked back and spent 2 hours at the gym burning 500 cals.Its past 9pm and Ive had 220 cals worth of fluid so touch wood I'm on track.Back to the gym tomorrow and on Thursday after group therapy-it always makes me angry and exercise helps.I'm really interested to see how much i loose this week because then i will take that number minus 2 and work out if i have a hope in hell of reaching 130 for gay pride on the 13th august-that's 10 weeks away.
But what i here u ask is going to make this time any different?Will i be back to binging after a few days?
FUCK NO!!! And i realized why. This time i want those ana chains back.I was trying to ditch the ball and chain of bulimia thinking it was possible to be completely free. I no longer believe this possible so I'm going to settle for more free.
