Saturday, 25 June 2011

turned a corner

so this week had not been going well i wasn't  b/p but i wasn't 100% restricting either.
but it took a turn for the better Friday.I had stayed in bed the whole day as i was out of weed and i knew the only way to not binge was not to eat. So when i pick up my weed and have a beer(225 Cal's) wiv S.t Jimmy he tells me he has got hold of a small amount of whizz for me! id been asking for ages.i soo needed a lift!
 i go home  and eat some soup and weight watchers bread bring my total for that day to 625. respectable enough i think.
Of course today i bombed some whizz so Ive eaten nothing- Having a glass of milk now with my b4 bed smoke.
hopefully i sleep-i borrowed a couple  of my mates lorazipam tonight. Im bloody glad to have it tho as so much is coming up and i have no idea were to start.................................



Monday, 20 June 2011

steps in the right direction

So i started the week as i mean to go on. I bypassed the sandwich shop over the road and headed to the gym for two hours.I'm hoping to repeat this process everyday.I weighed this morning and as consequence for being and idiot an reacting to no loss the other week id gain 1.6 lbs. As punishment I'm not allowing myself to weigh for 2 weeks.Ive removed the scales from the bathroom and will be counting the days!!!!


some one on a forum i visit suggested i didn't loose any weight coz my body went into starvation mode and i should up calories to 1500.Ive been thinking about it and i don't buy it.I'm cutting calories to a straight 1000,  1200 on Sundays if I'm good all week.I WILL go to the gym 5x a week!!!!




I'm desperately trying to changer my habits- from big like going to the gym daily to small like making my binge buster jelly desert every morning so there is always one in the fridge
I'm trying to remember what my days looked like when i was 95lbs.Not just what i ate and how much i  exercised but what i filled my days with, how i debt with things. I think one of the reasons Ive been failing so miserably is my fear of connecting wiv my anorexia again as it didn't end up in a good place  last time. i want the middle bit-where i was thin and not sick-i know it will lead there eventually- but id rather be there then here.




Sunday, 19 June 2011

Found These Fantastic Exercise Tips.....

1. Always exercise on Monday. This sets the psychological pattern for the week. Along those lines…

2. If at all possible, exercise first thing in the morning. As the day wears on, you’ll find more excuses to skip exercising. Get it checked off your list, first thing.

3. Never skip exercising two days in a row. You can skip a day, but the next day, you must exercise, no matter how inconvenient.

4. Give yourself credit for the smallest effort. My father always said that all he had to do was put on his running shoes and close the door behind him. Many times, by promising myself I could quit ten minutes after I’d started, I got myself to start—and then found that I didn’t want to quit, after all.

5. Think about context. I thought I disliked weight training, but in fact, I dislike the guys who hang out in the weight-training area. Are you distressed about the grubby showers in your gym? Do you try to run in the mornings, but recoil from going out in the cold? Examine the factors that might be discouraging you from exercising.

6. Exercise several times a week. If your idea of exercise is to join games of pick-up basketball, you should be playing practically every day. Twice a month isn’t enough.

7. If you don’t have time to both exercise and take a shower, find a way to exercise that doesn’t require you to shower afterward. Twice a week, I have a very challenging weight-training session, but the format I follow doesn’t make me sweat. (Some of you are saying, “It can’t be challenging if you don’t sweat!” Oh yes, believe me, it is.)


8. Look for affordable ways to make exercising more pleasant or satisfying. Could you upgrade to a nicer or more convenient gym? Buy yourself a new iPod? Work with a trainer? Get a pedometer to keep track of your walking distances? Exercise is a high life priority, so this a worthwhile place to spend some money if that helps.


9. Think of exercise as part of your essential preparation for times you want to be in especially fine form—whether in performance (to be sharp for an important presentation) or appearance (to look good for a wedding) or mood (to deal with a stressful situation). Studies show that exercise does help.


10. Remember one of my favorite Secrets of Adulthood, courtesy of Voltaire: Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Don’t decide it’s only worth exercising if you can run five miles or if you can bike for an hour. I have a friend who scorns exercise unless she’s training for a marathon—so she never exercises. Even going for a ten-minute walk is worthwhile. Do what you can.


11. Don’t kid yourself. Belonging to a gym doesn’t mean you go to the gym. Having been in shape in high school or college doesn’t mean you’re in shape now. Saying that you don’t have time to exercise doesn’t make it true.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

update....

So on Tuesday after over  a week of being good,not eating over 1200, in fact closer to 1000 Cal's a day and exercising and i lost: precisely nothing!!!


This has typically resulted in a week of depression,B/P behaviour,hiding in bed-All extremely counter productive.


I plan to start yet again on Monday( marks cooking chili for our anniversary on sun) and this time maybe i wont let my self weigh for two weeks for surely if id kept going id be closer to my goal then i am now.
I'm also gonna cut the Cal's i eat to a flat 1000- 1200 on a Sunday.
My plan to stop binging is to keep busy which worked well the other week....im such a dumb ass...ive prob gained another 5lbs this week!

Friday, 10 June 2011

This week so far

Its not been a great week so far but its not been terrible either:



Calorie Total:
MONDAY:  ; 972
TUESDAY; 883
WEDNESDAY: 1218
THURSDAY ;1067
FRIDAY; 957


EXERCISE TOTALS:
TUESDAY: 570 Calories burnt
FRIDAY: 620 calories burnt



Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Time To Break Free.....Well more free any.....



 Ive not written in a while. Not that anyone reads this,but that's not the reason.
my binging has been outa control and so it feels like I'm not in control of anything else.Since i joined the gym Ive put on 10lbs. I'd got lost in a pit of disappear with it,got tiered of fighting and surrendered to it for a while.For too long-god knows what would of happened if id not been going to the gym!
Something snapped Sunday when i got on the scale and had hit 170. I laxied up that night vowing it stops right her, right now! I feel like in in chains and i have to break free
. Although i am astute enough to realize I'm just exchanging one set of chains to another. with bulimia it feels like there's a 10 ton weight attached to them and i cant function dragging it around wiv me.with anorexia I'm still in chains but they only keep my hands tied and i have the ability to maneuver some what
                                                                                   I slept badly and woke Monday full of cold and was genuinely to ill to go to the gym but the cold took away my appetite and i was under 1000 cals 250 of which were liquid.Today, Tuesday i forced my self to college,walked back and spent 2 hours at the gym burning 500 cals.Its past 9pm and Ive had 220 cals worth of fluid so touch wood I'm on track.Back to the gym tomorrow and on Thursday after group therapy-it always makes me angry and exercise helps
.I'm really interested to see how much i loose this week because then i will take that number minus 2 and work out if i have a hope in hell of reaching 130 for gay pride on the 13th august-that's 10 weeks away.



But what i here u ask is going to make this time any different?Will i be back to binging after a few days? 
FUCK NO!!! And i realized why. This time i want those ana chains back.I was trying to ditch the ball and chain of bulimia thinking it was possible to be completely free. I no longer believe this possible so I'm going to settle for more free.







Sunday, 17 April 2011

Running back to ana's arms

so ive not posted much as ive been trying to find the time and the emotional energy to write out my eating disorder and mental health history and explain how i come to be were i am today.
I cannot procrastinate any longer as today i stepped on the scales and was more then horrified at the number!
Not only highest weight ever (except when pregnant) But 22lb higher then previous high weight!


The binging and purging has to stop....right now...emagine what it would be like if i wasnt purging?!


Tomorrow im droping the car into be fixed and then im walking to swimming.I also want to go to hollend and barret and get some more of their colon cleanse,laxitive lea and some vitimins.Thinking of calling in at the gym over the road to see how expensive they are also.


Here is my current plan for week one:


Eat under 1000 cals a day
400 must be vegtables or fruit 100 milk


Remember to take Thyroxine, prozac, vitamins,cleanser,


Exercise daily
monday = swimming and walking
Tuesday = housework
wednesday= walking
Thurday = swimming
friday= walking
saturday = to be confirmed
Sunday = house work


Take pictures and post everything i eat so i feel accountable


I would like to loose 5-7 as this is starting week and my metabolisum should be high due to all the pigging out ive been doing
wish me luick!