I have to write the last week off. And bloody learn from it too-if nothing else!




I went to see St Jimmy today and got some of the magic white powder that enabels me to function how i want too and keeps me from eating!

Group

The scale says i have put on the 8lb i lost thankx to the last 4 days binging. I have group herapy this am and i have nothing to wear that covers my distended stomach. I so dont want to go.i feel like shit.I look suck a mess it makes me cry.The girl in therapy who also has an E.D and who hates me we see how fat and pathetic i am. I am pathetic for even thinking this! i so dont wanna go.......


.....Im going tho.And ive taken a colon cleanse because my stomach is swollen anyway.Considering Fruit and veg for 4 days then fasting for at least a week................

I knew this would happen....for over a year I beg hubby to go back to work. He finally does and I can't hack it I don't know what's wrong with me!
I was doing so well and had lost 8+ but sinces Monday it's been get up take boy to school binge, purge, laydown, pick boy up binge, purge, nap binge sleep. Seriously it's all I've done for three days.
What's wrong with me? I wanted hubby to go back to work. I promised him and myself I would sort the house out, start cooking, do things wives are suppost to do instead of being a duvet that smokes and eats!
But the last 3 days I've had no rng at all and the thought of facing the days seems to much-so I start to binge.part of the problem is that there is not one thing in my life I like doing or find pleasurable.nothing

WHOO HOO!

                                                     

Ana's voice in my head

turned a corner

so this week had not been going well i wasn't  b/p but i wasn't 100% restricting either.
but it took a turn for the better Friday.I had stayed in bed the whole day as i was out of weed and i knew the only way to not binge was not to eat. So when i pick up my weed and have a beer(225 Cal's) wiv S.t Jimmy he tells me he has got hold of a small amount of whizz for me! id been asking for ages.i soo needed a lift!
 i go home  and eat some soup and weight watchers bread bring my total for that day to 625. respectable enough i think.
Of course today i bombed some whizz so Ive eaten nothing- Having a glass of milk now with my b4 bed smoke.
hopefully i sleep-i borrowed a couple  of my mates lorazipam tonight. Im bloody glad to have it tho as so much is coming up and i have no idea were to start.................................

steps in the right direction

So i started the week as i mean to go on. I bypassed the sandwich shop over the road and headed to the gym for two hours.I'm hoping to repeat this process everyday.I weighed this morning and as consequence for being and idiot an reacting to no loss the other week id gain 1.6 lbs. As punishment I'm not allowing myself to weigh for 2 weeks.Ive removed the scales from the bathroom and will be counting the days!!!!

some one on a forum i visit suggested i didn't loose any weight coz my body went into starvation mode and i should up calories to 1500.Ive been thinking about it and i don't buy it.I'm cutting calories to a straight 1000,  1200 on Sundays if I'm good all week.I WILL go to the gym 5x a week!!!!

I'm desperately trying to changer my habits- from big like going to the gym daily to small like making my binge buster jelly desert every morning so there is always one in the fridge
I'm trying to remember what my days looked like when i was 95lbs.Not just what i ate and how much i  exercised but what i filled my days with, how i debt with things. I think one of the reasons Ive been failing so miserably is my fear of connecting wiv my anorexia again as it didn't end up in a good place  last time. i want the middle bit-where i was thin and not sick-i know it will lead there eventually- but id rather be there then here.