update....

So on Tuesday after over  a week of being good,not eating over 1200, in fact closer to 1000 Cal's a day and exercising and i lost: precisely nothing!!!


This has typically resulted in a week of depression,B/P behaviour,hiding in bed-All extremely counter productive.


I plan to start yet again on Monday( marks cooking chili for our anniversary on sun) and this time maybe i wont let my self weigh for two weeks for surely if id kept going id be closer to my goal then i am now.
I'm also gonna cut the Cal's i eat to a flat 1000- 1200 on a Sunday.

My plan to stop binging is to keep busy which worked well the other week....im such a dumb ass...ive prob gained another 5lbs this week!

This week so far

Its not been a great week so far but its not been terrible either:



Calorie Total:
MONDAY:  ; 972
TUESDAY; 883
WEDNESDAY: 1218
THURSDAY ;1067
FRIDAY; 957


EXERCISE TOTALS:
TUESDAY: 570 Calories burnt
FRIDAY: 620 calories burnt

Time To Break Free.....Well more free any.....

 Ive not written in a while. Not that anyone reads this,but that's not the reason.
my binging has been outa control and so it feels like I'm not in control of anything else.Since i joined the gym Ive put on 10lbs. I'd got lost in a pit of disappear with it,got tiered of fighting and surrendered to it for a while.For too long-god knows what would of happened if id not been going to the gym!
Something snapped Sunday when i got on the scale and had hit 170. I laxied up that night vowing it stops right her, right now! I feel like in in chains and i have to break free
. Although i am astute enough to realize I'm just exchanging one set of chains to another. with bulimia it feels like there's a 10 ton weight attached to them and i cant function dragging it around wiv me.with anorexia I'm still in chains but they only keep my hands tied and i have the ability to maneuver some what
                                                                                   I slept badly and woke Monday full of cold and was genuinely to ill to go to the gym but the cold took away my appetite and i was under 1000 cals 250 of which were liquid.Today, Tuesday i forced my self to college,walked back and spent 2 hours at the gym burning 500 cals.Its past 9pm and Ive had 220 cals worth of fluid so touch wood I'm on track.Back to the gym tomorrow and on Thursday after group therapy-it always makes me angry and exercise helps
.I'm really interested to see how much i loose this week because then i will take that number minus 2 and work out if i have a hope in hell of reaching 130 for gay pride on the 13th august-that's 10 weeks away.



But what i here u ask is going to make this time any different?Will i be back to binging after a few days? 
FUCK NO!!! And i realized why. This time i want those ana chains back.I was trying to ditch the ball and chain of bulimia thinking it was possible to be completely free. I no longer believe this possible so I'm going to settle for more free.

Running back to ana's arms

so ive not posted much as ive been trying to find the time and the emotional energy to write out my eating disorder and mental health history and explain how i come to be were i am today.
I cannot procrastinate any longer as today i stepped on the scales and was more then horrified at the number!
Not only highest weight ever (except when pregnant) But 22lb higher then previous high weight!


The binging and purging has to stop....right now...emagine what it would be like if i wasnt purging?!


Tomorrow im droping the car into be fixed and then im walking to swimming.I also want to go to hollend and barret and get some more of their colon cleanse,laxitive lea and some vitimins.Thinking of calling in at the gym over the road to see how expensive they are also.


Here is my current plan for week one:


Eat under 1000 cals a day
400 must be vegtables or fruit 100 milk


Remember to take Thyroxine, prozac, vitamins,cleanser,


Exercise daily
monday = swimming and walking
Tuesday = housework
wednesday= walking
Thurday = swimming
friday= walking
saturday = to be confirmed
Sunday = house work


Take pictures and post everything i eat so i feel accountable


I would like to loose 5-7 as this is starting week and my metabolisum should be high due to all the pigging out ive been doing
wish me luick!

Manic Monday

LISTNING TO: Alanis Morrestte

READING;Fear of the collar-Patrick Tougher

DRUGS TAKEN: 80mg tramadol and weed

Monday weigh In- 5lb LOSS

 Spured on by my sucess I actually kept to my monday routine of housework. Even tho i had very little green left it was much eaiser to make my self function because hubby wasnt about. Whats that about? It Makes me so deppressed that he is hanging around the house all day doing nothing but the school run and messing about on the net and he acts so hard done by if i ask him to do any thing.

About the middle of march we made a deal that he would of activley looked for work and he would of made an appointment and gone to the c.a.b to see were we stand on benifits. Like most things we talk about doing it wont happen i know! Apart from taking levi to school in the morning there nothing i can do to disprove his "im at home because levi needs me and your not well enough" bollox of an excuse.

ACCOMPILISHED TODAY:

2 Loads of mates washing,washing up,cleaned oven and sideboards,hovered and tided lounge,Put away or hung up all the clothes from the massive pile at the end of bed,sorted out all my clothes that are sadly too small, put them in vacum packs(That rachel gave me for that express purpose over a year ago!)Sorted dressing table,polished and hovered bedroom,had a shower and went to see Spirit and gave him £50 for green,got my shit ready for college,didnt binge,didnt purge

INTAKE/OUTPUT

carrots=70

chicken=396

candy sticks=140

bournvile=220

fruit jelly= 150

not done any exercise other then the vacuming which may of burned a bit.

Didnt purge today but did take laxies

In at the deep end

This is my first blog. I wanted to put up few posts about my reasons for writing and my history but i never seem to get the time so im not writing at at the moment and that frustrates me.So ive decided to just do what i do normally when i start some thing new and just jump in at the deep end!Here goes......


This week has been a good one in so far as ive got alot done. Been to college, stayed over at  My  mates, Finaly gave her our old cot,built it and changed her room round. It was a squezze but i worked out a way to fit everything in the one room- kingsize bed,the girls bunch beds,the cot,3 chest of draws,and two bed side tables! She only has 5 weeks till her due date...i am almost as excited as she is!




Even tho ive not slept in more then 90 hours i made my self do what id promised my littke boy.I love thursday nights when mark goes out!levi stayed up till 9 30 wiv me.We  watched The movie =how to train your dragon  together under the duvet.I let him  pick what he wanted for a lte tea and then i fed him a mound of popcorn and sweets.
I have noticed that the less i am eating the more i feed him sweets and crap! Lke i eat vicariously thro him........So far this week ive not been over my 940 limit.Yesterday was 6 or 700 (bloody fluids! i resent drinks having cals!) and today more like 250 but i might have a horlicks before bed

Freedom To Tell Truth

It seems alot of people like to interact on the Internet because they can pretend to be someone else,creating a profile of who they wish they are or who they want others to believe they are.Creating a whole fake persona from the person their friends and family know.
I wonder what it says about me that I am doing the oppersite?That my fake persona is all my friends and family know!