Panic stations

                                                                         


Oh everything has gone to shit today. Well it started Tuesday, got worse yesterday and today after no sleep and hardly any weed I just wanna sit and cry.....


....That's how today started out for me.Which is totally out of proportion! I guess that's pretty normal for a come down wiv no sleep and hardly a spliff to me name. I tell you if it wasn't for sleekits diazis I dunno were I'd be!Thankfully 12 hours later things are much better and I feel much better then I felt this am.

                                                                              
The stress started when My weed pick up was canceled Tuesday. Luckily I'd had a premonition that it wasn't gonna happen and not taken any whizz. Sez text and said not till Thurs and with two jam packed days ahead I wouldn't last.
I insisted the help of st jimmy, who,also waiting on this score had run out him self.All he could get were 2 each of the smallest 10bags I've seem in my life.Day light robbery!
later that eve sez text again and says "I can do it tomorrow now". I'm pissed coz I just wasted 20£ I don't have so I don't text back to the next am. MISTAKE!


The next day, Wednesday, I take whizz because I have sleekit and kids over and then we meet glee and another lost soul and go to a fun day at the park.
Crazy day with 5 manic kids-boy do I need I smoke when I get home! Kids reck the house, I cook tea,sleekit minds the baby.


When 7pm arrives and no word from sez.I'm fast running out of weed, beginning to come down and then I find out my Internet was out of service for the night.Looking ahead I see a bad, long, boring comedown but I'm saved by sleekit who, for reasons of her own didn't want to spend the evening alone and invites us back to hers.
I decide I'd be better of if I took the boy with me and we stayed with her.4 kids and two adults in one bed flat- sounds cramped but we fit nicely.The girls bunk together and the boy has the lower bunk.Babe in his cot and sleekit and I in the bed.
crashes around 1am.I try and fail to sleep despite the opiates and benzos running through my veins and the fact I was lying in bed for 6 hours.I was hoping if all else failed I would sleep out of boredom.

 It was not to be! The kids get up at 7 dragging us with them.I feel like death warmed up and am made uncomfortable by how little patience I have with the kids.
I have a hypo soon after getting up and that doesn't help how I feel. Afternoon comes and I've still not heard from sez. At this point I'm so fucking anxious about the weed I'm throwing up.
Finally I get a text- it's on-2 hours . The relief is enough to bring me to tears.The day turns around magically.even b4 I have the weed I notice the sharp contrast in how I feel.just to know it's OK- I will have some, I can function.I pick up my day from then on and accomplish tasks that seemed impossible b4.

                                                                            
I am under no illusions when it comes to my relationship wiv weed, or any other drug come to that.I know I'm addicted.I know that although I don't need it to function-I need it to have the will to function,soften the sharp edges of life. But for some reason the extent of my dependency really hit me after the last few days and it saddens me deeply.

                                                                  




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Slacking.....

I cant believe ive not written since Wednesday! was pretty active Thursday wiv  therapy and helping glee in the afternoon. Friday and Saturday i had earmarked as days off-needed a beak from the whizz and also was taking advantage of hubby being about over weekend.I got more whizz today and have had a little. In an ideal world i would now do the house work so that i start the week with a clean slate-but im not very positive about my chances of  following through with this plan!

                                                                       


Diet wise- ive lost another lb bringing the total loss so far to 15lbs and i know its bettert then nothing but id hoped for double that-ive been slacking big time!

Dear 3am........

This says it all really! Last night got to sleep around 6 am and so got 4 1/2 hours. If i hadn't made my self literally forced myself to go to bed i would of got none! And so tonight i must show some self control  and not be on here to long so i can get a couple of hours tonight too. I must not an hour and a half after diazi try to eat and then sit up waiting stuff waiting to feel sleepy.It don't happen-~I gotta make my self go Lay down and see if my body's tiredness will win against my brain.

So today i went to local fate with sleekit and all the kids.Knackering day because they all come back to mine and had a good time painting and messing up the place.

Have group therapy tomorrow which I'm not overjoyed about.I've also got a few things on my mind but not gonna talk about them now or i will wind my self up and never sleep.

So yeah off to take meds, shower, maybe eat some thing (its been 24 hours since i last ate) and watch ONE episode of Earth Final Conflict and then try sleep.If i get to bed by 3;30am i will have 5 hours

Or thats the plan anyway.................

                                                                 

Quick Update

                                                                         




So i spent the weekend at Glee's,doing her garden and helping out.
 Monday i woke up and thought i need a day off so i just read and slept and watched TV.
 Today i was up around 11 and even tho is a bomb day i didn't get much done as i had to sort me and st Jimmy's weed and that took most the afternoon! I had a few hours left to do paper work and sort my debt repayments.That done i went to Sleekit's, even tho i am seeing her tomorrow- i just fancied some company. Now I'm home, its midnight and Ive taken 10mg Diazipam hoping i will be able to get some sleep before tomorrow.!

                                                               

Definition of Diabulimia

''Diabulimia (Diabulimia is not a medical term but certainly used) is a combination of diabetes and bulimia. It is often seen in teenage girls with type 1 diabetes where insulin is omitted and food purged. Insulin is a growth hormone and weight gain can occur with really good control. This weight gain can be managed but teenagers become fearful and irrational about taking insulin. Their fear of weight gain from insulin is much like the fear of food and weight gain experienced by anorexics The combination of bulimia and diabetes is a dangerous and unfortunately for young people complications of diabetes arise a lot earlier due to damage caused from really high glucose levels. People are also at high risk of ketoacidosis and hypoglycemic episodes and coma.

People suffering with type 1 diabetes and anorexia have the double whammy of being fearful of both insulin and food. Starving the body of food and insulin is a very dangerous combination and a really difficult condition to get on top of. Weight losses are significant with the omission of insulin and the risk of ketoacidosis and coma is very high. The long term complications of malnutrition from not eating are worsened by the omission of insulin leading to the early onset of diabetic complications.''


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/2957009


I also found this:

Women with type 1 diabetes are more than twice as likely to develop an eating disorder than age-matched women without diabetes.

Eating disorders in type 1 diabetes such as "diabulimia," as it is known in the popular press, represent some of the most complex patient problems—both medically and psychologically.

Women with eating disorders and diabetes typically struggle with symptoms similar to those of women with eating disorders who do not have diabetes.  However, they exhibit a very dangerous symptom of calorie purging in the form of insulin restriction.

This condition is characterized by weight and body image concerns that lead to the mismanagement of diabetes. 

Recognize eating disorders in diabetes

Warning signs may include:

• unexplained elevations in A1C values
• repeated problems with diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA), which can be fatal
• extreme concerns about weight and body shape
• change in eating patterns
• unusual patterns of intense exercise (sometimes associated with frequent hypoglycemia)
• amenorrhea (skipping monthly menstrual periods)

Understand the medical risks associated with eating disorders and diabetes

• higher A1C levels
• higher risk of developing infections
• more frequent episodes of DKA
• more frequent hospital and emergency room visits 
• higher rates and earlier onset of diabetes complications - nerve damage, eye disease, kidney disease and possible heart disease

The cycle of "diabulimia"

The cycle of negative feelings about body image, shape, and weight; chronically elevated blood glucose levels; depression, anxiety, and shame; and poor diabetes self-care and insulin restriction is difficult to treat:

Article Sorce:CLICK HERE

Calorie intake -18/7/11-30/7/11

Last Week:

Mon 18= 911                                                                  
Tue 19= 1800
Wed 20= 1240
Thu 21= 979
Fri 22= 1150
Sat 23= 1200
Sun 24= 1200

-This is shit i know.At least its not binging tho!

Mon 25=1200                                                                                                                                                                   
Tue 26= 1200
Wed 27= 931
Thu 28= 804 (466= alcohol)
Fri 29= 226(all alcohol)


-Not terrible but not gr8




Im really gonna go for it in Aug and loose as much as i can before college starts....but thats for another post which i may have to write in the morning...............

21 things i want in a lover lyrics........

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
that it alone does not equate to wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion
but enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine, politically aware, and don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that
toving someone can actually feel like freedom? Are you funny and self-deprecating, like adventure, and have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry; I could wait forever
I'm in no rush cause I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure In the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed, more than three times a week, up for being experimental?
Are you athletic?
Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?
Are you not addicted?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover 


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