So this is the past 3 weeks calorie intake- i mean to do it weekly but forget.
Sun 31: 635
Mon 1=1286
Tue 2=824
Wed 3=172
Thu 4=590
Fri 5=989
Sat 6=1399
Sun 7=935
Mon 8=802
Tue 9= 1707
Wed 10=318
Thu 11=400
Fri 12=395
Sat 13= not recorded so assume 1500+
Sun14=not recorded so assume 1500+
Mon 15=1201
Tue 16=1201
Wed 17=935
Thu 18=710
Fri 19th Today
Over all its not that bad-i dunno how much ive lost in that time-not much! In total ive lost 19lbs-I think in around 8 weeks(that wud avarage at 2.3lb a week)
So this week was supposed to be a week free of whizz-but i got to Thursday and faced with group therapy i lost my bottle- maybe next week i will have better luck.Actually it may be in forced as my weed guy has none for 2 WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS!!! I'm desperately seeking other avenues but nothing hope full.
Thing is these two weeks gonna be hard anyway. Benefit change overt,find childcare,prepare for college, loose some more lbs-I'm trying not to freak out! Because lets face it that wont help or change anything.Also i could get by on 10 bags I'm sure but just that get by. Glee says i need to be satisfied if i manage that but I'm not.I don't think i ever will be,i don't think i ever wanna be........
Done nothing for 72 hours but sleeping,eating,smoking and reading.
Only gained 1.8 lbs and I'm surprised! coz this is the first time Ive ever been loosing weight and been fat (135lbs+) my body's slower to regain after a.... well, not a binge weekend... but a weekend off restriction i guess.......
so now 155.8!
17 days till college starts. How much can i loose? Depends on how far i push it i guess- defiantly 149 or below that's totally achievable-maybe 145 if i really push it.
Was up at 10:30 and was presently surprised when Glee called to say she was feelin much better and was on for Gay- pride.
Sleekits mum had done her usual trick and cried off babysitting not long after.Luckily she had a mate in Brighton who was willing to have him.
Wiv all the changed plans,new arrangements to sort out and total lack of preparation we didn't get to the station till 2:30 and didn't get into Preston park itself till about half 3.
We had so much fun.It was my best day this year and I'm gonna be hard pressed to best it!
We successfully smuggled our contraband booze in and after a drink, spliff and a line we set about exploring.
I immediately bought a cool green and silver fairy set.Wings, mini skirt, wand and head band.They are so wkd!!! I'd wanted one last year but they were well expensive.I got my set mega bargain £4 coz I got chatting to the queen running the stall and talked him down.
After s jug of pimms we trawled the stalls. None of us had much money especially as the ticket prices on the day were £5 more on the door. But still we all got at least 1or 2 items courtesy of a 5 finger discount.
Does that make us bad ppl? I hope not. I know it's not right to steal but does it make us bad ppl? We didn't feel bad at the time.we felt on top of the world.
More lines,more drinks,more spliffs.The others got chips and we watched Alexandra Burke on the main stage.
sleekit and I checked out all the sex toy stalls much to the amusement and embarrassment of Glee and her friend.Our last stop was the scary rides but we only had time to do one.Best part of the day! No words to describe how cool it felt. I've decided I must go to Alton towers because I want more of that feeling!
After a rowdy bus ride to the beach we found a bar but then poor sleekits baby sitter rang and said babe had been crying all day.Sleekit decided to go and settle him And try make it back after.Sadly that wasn't possible in the end.There was a little unpleasantness when Glee's friend, who is one for the histrionics tried to male us go into a pumping club coz a guy shed just started seeing was in there and we didn't wanna go. We arranged to meet her at the taxi point at 2;30 in the end.
The rest of the night was great, drinking, smoking, laughing and putting the world to right.in and out of little beach bars and finally to a 24 hour restaurant for the best nachos I've ever eaten!
B4 we got our taxi we had to go find Glee's mate who had rang hysterical just repeating " help me , come and get me" but not saying were she was or what was wrong.Finding her was a bit of a fuckin mission but we found her in the end, dragging her sobbing from the club.Turns out she had tried her histrionics on him and he'd told her were to go in the end.But we had such a good eve b4 that we were more Patient and got her home.
I left Glee's at 5:30 am and although I know I should of gone to bed then I made the fatal mistake of having a cuppa and a spliff in front of the TV and I haven't moved since-it's now 11am.
I really must try sleep....one more spliff...I mean it just one more and then fucking crash dude!
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Friday morning I weighed and I've reached 154lbs, which brings my total loss to 18lbs in 6 weeks.
I can't believe I'm happy to be 154, well I'm not happy to be a massive fat 154lb whale, but I'm happier then when I was a 172lb whale!
I've got 2 weeks b4 college starts. I wonder how much more I can loose b4 then? I think I'm gonna aim for 5lbs because it's realistic and it will take me back into the 140's.God I've still got so far to go!
Spent rest of Friday runnin about like a headless chicken trying to finish official jobs so I could enjoy my weekend.
Had my appointment wiv my C.P.N
and learnt that she is away for the next month which always makes me feel uneasy because I feel like I have no one if some crisis occurs. Popped into st jimmys after as he lived round corner and I needed to smoke and chill after Anna.
Glee was feeling really ill so I spent some time helping her and gave her some of my strong anti-emetics to see if they wud help.When I left I was almost sure there was no way she would be well enough to go to Gay-pride the next day and if she wasn't going her mate said she'd cry off too. If that happened sleekit and I couldn't go as we could only afford the taxi when we were splitting it.
So I left Glee's with a heavy heart which was made worse by my plans for Friday night galling apart also. Sleekit was supposed to stay here with the baby.She was gonna have a bath here as she only has a shower and then I was gonna do the baby's might feeds so she could have night off.She rang me in a state, asking could I come to hers instead-babe had cried all day and she was fit to drop.
So I ended up staying at hers the night and eating for the first time in 3 days as I knew I needed the NRG 4 the next day. Managed some sleep around 2am and babe only woke once for a feed.
In short it left me totally unprepared for Gay-pride and believing we probably weren't going .........
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Oh everything has gone to shit today. Well it started Tuesday, got worse yesterday and today after no sleep and hardly any weed I just wanna sit and cry.....
....That's how today started out for me.Which is totally out of proportion! I guess that's pretty normal for a come down wiv no sleep and hardly a spliff to me name. I tell you if it wasn't for sleekits diazis I dunno were I'd be!Thankfully 12 hours later things are much better and I feel much better then I felt this am.
The stress started when My weed pick up was canceled Tuesday. Luckily I'd had a premonition that it wasn't gonna happen and not taken any whizz. Sez text and said not till Thurs and with two jam packed days ahead I wouldn't last.
I insisted the help of st jimmy, who,also waiting on this score had run out him self.All he could get were 2 each of the smallest 10bags I've seem in my life.Day light robbery!
later that eve sez text again and says "I can do it tomorrow now". I'm pissed coz I just wasted 20£ I don't have so I don't text back to the next am. MISTAKE!
The next day, Wednesday, I take whizz because I have sleekit and kids over and then we meet glee and another lost soul and go to a fun day at the park.
Crazy day with 5 manic kids-boy do I need I smoke when I get home! Kids reck the house, I cook tea,sleekit minds the baby.
When 7pm arrives and no word from sez.I'm fast running out of weed, beginning to come down and then I find out my Internet was out of service for the night.Looking ahead I see a bad, long, boring comedown but I'm saved by sleekit who, for reasons of her own didn't want to spend the evening alone and invites us back to hers.
I decide I'd be better of if I took the boy with me and we stayed with her.4 kids and two adults in one bed flat- sounds cramped but we fit nicely.The girls bunk together and the boy has the lower bunk.Babe in his cot and sleekit and I in the bed.
crashes around 1am.I try and fail to sleep despite the opiates and benzos running through my veins and the fact I was lying in bed for 6 hours.I was hoping if all else failed I would sleep out of boredom.
It was not to be! The kids get up at 7 dragging us with them.I feel like death warmed up and am made uncomfortable by how little patience I have with the kids.
I have a hypo soon after getting up and that doesn't help how I feel. Afternoon comes and I've still not heard from sez. At this point I'm so fucking anxious about the weed I'm throwing up.
Finally I get a text- it's on-2 hours . The relief is enough to bring me to tears.The day turns around magically.even b4 I have the weed I notice the sharp contrast in how I feel.just to know it's OK- I will have some, I can function.I pick up my day from then on and accomplish tasks that seemed impossible b4.
I am under no illusions when it comes to my relationship wiv weed, or any other drug come to that.I know I'm addicted.I know that although I don't need it to function-I need it to have the will to function,soften the sharp edges of life. But for some reason the extent of my dependency really hit me after the last few days and it saddens me deeply.
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I cant believe ive not written since Wednesday! was pretty active Thursday wiv therapy and helping glee in the afternoon. Friday and Saturday i had earmarked as days off-needed a beak from the whizz and also was taking advantage of hubby being about over weekend.I got more whizz today and have had a little. In an ideal world i would now do the house work so that i start the week with a clean slate-but im not very positive about my chances of following through with this plan!
Diet wise- ive lost another lb bringing the total loss so far to 15lbs and i know its bettert then nothing but id hoped for double that-ive been slacking big time!
Thu 4=590
